DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:  Not An Anger Problem
Taken from Chris Moles 
 
“I was just so angry.”
“I couldn’t help myself.”
“I just snapped!”

Words like these are common in the work I do with men who use violence in the home. Many of the men I have worked with will insist that they are not abusive, but simply need to learn how to control their anger. Unfortunately, it’s not just the guys I work with that see violence as an anger problem. I’ll occasionally hear of men being court ordered to anger management classes following domestic abuse.  My conversations with Pastors and ministry leaders will also include descriptions of abuse in terms of his anger and the solutions that are offered revolve around self-control and addressing anger. The rationale may go something like this, “violence is the result of anger and therefore, we must address the perpetrators anger and anger cues in order to properly end the violence.” Now, I’m not suggesting that we avoid discussions about anger but rather that we place it in the proper context, especially when we are addressing domestic violence. I’m afraid we miss the heart if we only address anger and anger cues. After all abusers will certainly blame the victim for their anger, and cite them as the most prominent anger cue. This strategy runs the risk of leaving the heart untouched encouraging patterns of control that are nothing more than “respectable” forms of abuse. How may pastors and ministry leaders view an abusive man’s anger? Here are a couple suggestions.

1. Anger as an excuse
Anger can easily be used as an excuse for sin. Statements such as “I snapped” “I lost control.” or “My temper got the best of me.” may be accurate descriptions of the man’s emotional and behavioral responses but they are, by no means, excusable simply because we can recognize that he was angry. This is especially true for pastors who are working with husbands who have abused their wife. Scriptures like Ephesians 4:26-27 give us clear instructions on anger and its relationship to sin and the implications of sinful anger in the life of a believer.  “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”  Men who use anger as an excuse need a clear reminder that regardless of emotional pressure, abuse is sinful as well as a careful warning of the impact of their sin on both the victim and themselves.

2. Anger as a tactic
Pastors and ministry leaders would do well to see outbursts of anger and expressions of rage as potential tools used by an abusive man to intimidate and control his partner. I have heard many men admit that fear through threat and intimidation is as effective as physical assault. A man’s rage will often illicit the same result as physical violence.  This form of anger is not simply an emotional response but evidence of oppressive desires. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” Proverbs 15:18 I have encountered many men who create a climate of fear within the home. An abusive man will use his anger as a tool to intimidate and manipulate his spouse into conformity with his desires.

Final Thought
Lastly, let me encourage you to view anger as a window into a man’s heart. Don’t ignore his anger. We are not listening to confirm an allegation, or understand his side of the story we are listening for the heart. Listen for the themes that will pinpoint the nature of his desires. His anger will likely point us to desires for control, tendencies to manipulate, and beliefs of entitlement?  Restate stories back to him highlighting his behaviors, his desires, and the impact of both. His anger may very well reveal his beliefs about God, himself, and others.
 
 
 
 

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.  These past several weeks, we have posted facts about violence in dating relationships among teens, signs that your dating relationship may not be healthy and how to set boundaries in relationships.

Teens who find themselves in violent dating relationships are in danger of continuing the pattern as adults.  Sheli Emenheiser is a survivor of domestic violence. She works as an advocate for victims of domestic violence at Elijah Haven. She has shared her true story in raw, honest conversation with teens as we visit area schools to teach them about safe dating relationships.  Here is Sheli's story:

I was running through the house screaming at the top of my lungs. The kind of scream that a girl uses in one of those horror movie flick screams.  I was terrified of him!

I went through the entire house and was  running out of places to go, so I headed toward the basement -- probably the worst place in the whole house to go.  No one could hear me there and I would have nowhere else to run.   He cornered me in front of the washer and dryer and knocked me to the floor.  I knew at this point I didn’t have much to work with, so I aimed and kicked.  I remember thinking “Please don’t let this wake the kids up.”  Maybe that is why I headed to the basement.  Our home was a beautiful Victorian home and the kids were up on the second floor asleep.

Surely my kicking him would buy me some time. However, it wasn’t as long as I would have hoped.  He was behind me sooner than I thought and once again I was cornered in a very small bathroom.

This time there was no escape and I had added fuel to the fire by kicking him earlier.  I  braced myself for whatever was going to happen.  He drew back his arm and swung. For once in my life my timing was impeccable and I ducked at just the right moment.  His hand went crashing into oak trim, the end result being three broken bones in his hand.  What amazed me even more was, after he did this, he wanted me to take him to the hospital.  I was like “absolutely not, drive yourself or walk” (at the time we lived blocks away from the hospital).  He drove himself.  I still can’t remember what started that argument, but I will never forget the end result and the terror I felt.

This was unfamiliar territory for me.  I had not grown up in an environment like this.  I had always suffered from low self-esteem.  As a teenager, I never thought I was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough…basically I was never enough.  It led me to make bad choices in boys and men that I dated.  So, here I was 28 years old, with two of my own children and two stepchildren and a husband I feared.  I was so alone. The choices I had made had isolated me from all of my family and friends.  There was no one to turn to and nowhere to run.

“Persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed.”

I came across that passage in II Corinthians 4:9 after I had traveled down one of the loneliest roads I have ever known.  My story of abuse is not unlike others, it is just my own.

We all make our own path in life, but we are all ultimately being guided.  Because no matter where I have gone or what I have done, He has always been there to take me home.

The plans I made for my life did not include an abusive marriage, but when I found myself there, I knew it was not from God.  On a horrible Thanksgiving eve that I will never forget, I took my two children and escaped.  With the help of family and friends, I have found myself on a new path, in a good marriage, and with a mission to help other abused women become survivors.

I now have the privilege to go into schools and share my experiences with young men and women who may be struggling in the same ways.  I also speak with Stonecroft Ministries, sharing my story with women who may be looking for answers.  It’s not always easy to share some of the darkest, ugliest moments in my life, but I believe it is vitally important for women to know what the signs are.  To be aware and know that there is help.

    February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. Elijah Haven works with local schools to create awareness of this issue through an original drama, "The Outrage". This year, we'll be presenting the drama to freshman and middle school students throughout the county. We are able to do this here in Indiana, in part, because of the efforts of the mother of a victim of teen dating violence.
    Heather Norris loved her family, her friends, school and sports.  Her wide, friendly smile and blonde good looks made Heather popular among her classmates.  As she graduated from high school, Heather made plans for a future that included college and, someday, marriage to the man of her dreams. Sadly, in 2007,  Heather's life ended too soon when the young man she had begun dating at the close of high school brutally murdered her following nearly two years of abuse.
    Heather was just 20.
    Debbie Norris,  Heather's mother, launched a campaign in the year of her daughter's death to create awareness of the heartache of dating violence.  Because of her efforts, Indiana passed a law in April, 2011 named for her daughter. "Heather's Law", SEA 316, requires Indiana's Department of Education, in collaboration with organizations that have expertise in dating violence, domestic violence and sexual abuse, to make available educational materials and reporting policies on the subject of teen dating violence.  In her daughter's memory, Debbie continues to share information about dating violence on her Web site, Heather'sVoice.com.
    Dating violence and sexual abuse are not easy subjects to discuss in a classroom full of teenaged boys and girls.  The frank conversation is uncomfortable and sometimes embarrassing.   The words can be raw and full of emotion.  For some, there is truth in the descriptions of violence and abuse.......truth because they see it in a friend's dating relationship, or in their mother's or sister's.  Sometimes, in their own.But the pain and lasting impact of an abusive relationship outweigh any discomfort brought on by frank conversation.  Warnings and truths must be voiced and shared to protect others from a life lived in fear or worse, cut short by an abusive dating partner.What our teens need to know is that physical, emotional and sexual abuse in any relationship is a matter of CONTROL.   Controlling and possibly abusive behavior could include:

• Frequently checking up on you and always needing to know where you are and what you're doing.
• Threatening to hurt themselves if you break up with them.
• Isolating you from your family and friends.
• Humiliating and belittling you in front of friends.
• Acting jealous and possessive.
• Calling you names, kicking, hitting or pushing you.
• Causing you to believe you can not make your own decision.
• Making you fearful of expressing your own thoughts and feelings.

    In our classroom discussions, we call these "red flags."  They may seem insignificant when considered one at a time, but these and other controlling behaviors can be harmful and are forms of psychological abusive.Heather's abuse began with control.  Her boyfriend isolated her, then he beat her.  She ended the relationship many times, but went back because (in her words, quoted by her mother)"I wanted to think that I could change him, that he didn't really mean to hurt me......"
    February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (click here for more information).  Next month, nine teens from local schools will present the drama "The Outrage" before their peers and in a public performance at 6:30 p.m. March 20 at The Blue Gate Theater in Shipshewana.
    We plan to continue to share with you here what we are telling teens in our part of the world about dating violence. Next week, a survivor of domestic violence who works as a victims' advocate for Elijah Haven, will share her story.
    This is a message that must be heard -- by the one in five teenage girls who report being physical or sexually abused by a dating partner.  And by the young men and women who may, like Heather, become victims because they didn't or couldn't believe that love shouldn't hurt.

“Are you mean?”

It’s not a question I’m asked often, so when the little girl with the cynical blue eyes asked, I knew I’d better give a straight answer.

“I don’t think so.”

“Are you nice? Are you nice to your kids? Do you ever smack their bottoms?”

I told her that I try to be nice to my four boys, but that sometimes moms and dads get angry and they do things and say things they regret. I hoped it was the answer she needed to hear.

A lot of the work I do for Elijah Haven Crisis Intervention Center is behind closed doors. I help write grants, prepare press releases and plan events. I also work with high school kids to produce a drama about teen dating violence and I speak to high school classes about healthy relationships.

But I’ve never had a face-to-face encounter with the youngest victims of domestic violence. Until today.

As their mom carried on an emotional conversation with their dad on an office phone, eight-year-old Blue Eyes and her little sister sat close by. I could tell that they were taking it all in, and taking on their mom’s pain.

I told the girls I’d find them a snack and, taking the hand of the littlest one, led them down the hall, out of earshot of their parents’ conversation. Grabbing a couple of containers of yogurt and some plastic spoons, we settled in a quiet room where I pulled out watercolor paints and paper.

Life just stinks sometimes, I’m thinking. People do mean things to one another, say things in the name of “love”, and then, when love goes sour, innocent people suffer. These little girls could be my own granddaughters, and as I watched them innocently painting and eating yogurt, my maternal instincts were primed to give their mom a lecture on how she should protect her children.

Then Blue Eyes began talking about her mom. Wise beyond her years, she told me that her mom was just 15 when she had her first child, and that she had an older brother and sister and a couple of younger ones – six kids in the family in all. She said she knew she wasn’t going to live with her daddy any more, but she missed him. She was supposed to spend today with him, but now that wasn’t going to happen. Tears spilled from her eyes.

When I left Blue Eyes and her little sister today, they were hugging the bear and monkey our agency had given them the day they arrived on our doorstep. I hugged them both and said I’d see them around.

“Hey,” said the littlest one shyly as I turned to leave. “I like you.”

Tonight, I’m praying that tomorrow is a better day for these two and for all the innocent ones who must make their way in the aftermath of their parents’ messes. It’s time for their heartache to stop.